self-love

This Isn't Right, I'm Not Right [Yet]

I am in tears as I sit here before the blank screen, trying to figure out how to say what I need to say.

This isn't right.

This. She of the Wild. This work.

It is good work, this I know. It is honest and needed and I believe in it. I will keep doing it for these reasons.

But it isn't quite right, not quite in alignment with The Thing that's inside me and wants to, needs to get out, be born, be in the world, be there for you if you choose it, if it chooses you.

And god, that is hard to admit, because I've worked so hard and so long and have tried to believe, have kept showing up, and for all that, for all my own personal soul-growth, it's still not right (dammit).

And then I realize -- it's not just She of the Wild that isn't yet fine-tuned. It's me, too. My life. My whole life.

For those of you who've been with my along the way, or part of it, you know that it's been a journey. I started a numb girl child in the body of a young woman, and through the initiation of an eating disorder and then the anguish and grieving of my daughter's stillbirth and then the necessary burning of my religiosity, I've grown. God, I've grown. I wouldn't have chosen that path if I'd been given a choice, but since I found my feet on that road, I'm grateful for what it's given me.

And to now come to this moment and realize that there is still so much work to be done, still so much growing? Well. It's frustrating. But mostly it's exhausting.

And I'm right in the thick of it. Or (oh god) maybe just the beginning. Regardless, I find myself in another dark night. And here I thought I was done with all that [insert dry divine laughter here].

The spiral of descent (or is it ascent? I can't even tell anymore) that I am currently winding around has to do, I think, with my own strength. How I've never really learned to stand on my own two feet in the world. How I don't believe I'm worth getting paid a living wage for whatever work I happen to be doing. How I never learned to be my own beloved, my own true love, my own twin flame/soul mate/best friend/truest companion.

I came to this realization yesterday. And, later in the day, still cradling this bleak epiphany tenderly, I happened to lock eyes with mySelf in a mirror, and nearly crumbled at the sensation of being met by my Self. Of being on my own side, perhaps for the first time ever. Of being happy, content, fulfilled alone.

I didn't think it was possible.

I didn't think I was capable.

But in that moment, I believed. In that moment, I met myself with love and power and it rocked me and changed my mind.

I don't know where this is going. I don't know what will become of me. And god knows I really don't fancy another descent into the dark night.

But I know that this is good work. I know this is needed. For She of the Wild, sure, but first mySelf.

Will you walk with me, will you wait with me?

Don't Give Up. Keep Going.

It's okay to feel like an absolute and total mess, like you don't know what to want or what you want. It's okay to want to sleep all day for a while. It's okay to be where you're at.

What's not okay is to deny where you are and how you are. To not look at the things that need to be looked at or not feel the things that need to be felt (this is [part of] what got you into trouble before).

Your task now is to feel and to mourn, and to let that process grow and illuminate yourSelf. To see where this road leads. To love yourSelf more fully, with more abandon.

You will survive. (Yes -- you will.) Stop asking how -- the how is not important. The showing up whole and wholly imperfect and authentic is what's important.

Trust. Trust. Keep going. Don't give up. Serve the world. serve the world your very best. The world needs all the golden soul good that you (we) can offer. So keep going. Don't give up.

Keep going.

Instructions for Living

Breathe deep. Smell all the scents around you. Taste them. Savor them. They are evidence that you are alive and there is beauty in this world yet.

Read. And then read more. Devour words like the sustenance they are. Then put down your books and live your own story in vivid color and with all the courage you can muster.

Drink deep of life. Embrace its experiences. Embrace the ones you love. Embrace strangers (with their permission).

Be willing to be amazed. This takes a certain kind of vulnerability, of trust. Go there. Allow wonder. Enjoy it.

Participate in your own life. Do not be a spectator, a bystander. The days are passing. Live them all, all of what each one has to offer, no matter what it holds. Feel it all, turn it into gold. Share your wealth with the world. We need it. We need you.

And love, for god's sake. Love. Love in all the ways you can: with empathy, in friendship and sisterhood, in nurturing, in mothering.

Let others love you, too. This is harder. But will you let them love you? Care for you? Want you? This is not the same as wanting something from you. It is instead a wanting that can fill you =, if you allow it. Will you allow it?

The days are passing, and there is so much to feel and wonder at, so much and so many to hold and be held by.

The days are passing. Will you live them?

Loving the Body You Have is an Act of Revolution {She of the Wild: The Podcast}

What if loving your body -- as is -- could help make this world and your world a better place? I believe that it can, and that it does. In this episode I share three personal experiences that I hope will inspire you + encourage you in your journey to love your whole self.

Subscribe in iTunes, or listen right here:

Like today's episode? I think you might really my upcoming e-course, Embrace Your Sacred Space. In it you will learn ways to love all of who you are and how you are, and how to make space for yourSelf in the life that you have. If you sign up by August 1, you save $50!