Today, as I sat in the exam room at my obstetrician's office, an amazing/terrifying/thrilling thought struck me -- this is is it. My last appointment of this pregnancy (and, as we're not planning on having any more children, perhaps ever). There are no more appointments, no more preparations to make. All the baby clothes are washed and sorted, the bassinet is set up, all the necessary bags are packed.
It's funny. Not ha-ha funny, but hard-and-weird funny: even though this pregnancy has felt very redeeming in terms of fear, even though I've been able to hold onto hope and dip a little deeper back into naive innocence more better throughout these last nine months far better than I could with my two year old's pregnancy -- even so, writing the words I am writing here feels like a gamble. Because the worst could still happen (again) and this post and those clothes and that bassinet and just everything will turn from a joy into searing pain.
I guess that's pregnancy after a loss for you. Even when it's years later, when it's the second pregnancy down the line. Even when you've been doing really well.
And yet, at the same time, I am so excited and beyond ready to meet this new little person who is, as I write this, attempting to pry my ribs apart with his feet. I try to avoid dwelling in anxiety as much as possible, because really, at this point, there's not much I can do about all those horrible "what if's."
I think this baby is going to look like his siblings. But I'm hoping for a dark-and-curly-haired little dude, someone to carry on his mama's wild mane. I've had terrible reflux this pregnancy, which is new for me -- anyone care to make any guesses on hair levels? :)
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After baby arrives, I'm planning on (and psyched about!) being totally swept up in tiny-person-land, consumed with caring for the two small boys I'm so lucky to be mama to. Which means that there won't be much time for blogging. While I do hope to get a post or two in sometime (I mean, it'd be lame of me to write so much about pregnancy and not introduce you to our latest love), I'm trying to be generous with expectations and let all non-mama things go for now, including blogging. I'm sure this will prove easier said than done.
In the meantime, I've had some very generous, beautiful souls (who also happen to be incredibly talented writers) offer to save this blog space from getting too dusty. The first guest blog post will go up this week, on Wednesday, and a new guest post will be posted just about every week after that through August.
I'm so thankful for these writers, and for their creations -- not just the words they will offer here, but for what they offer the world everyday with their hands and makings and love. I hope that you will be as inspired by them as I am.
Thanks for hanging in there with me through this rather quiet writing season. There haven't been many words wanting to spill out of me into this space, but there has been a deep sense of shifting, sorting, and (perhaps) finding. I know that I won't be the same person I was on the other side of this birth, or this pregnancy. I'm just as excited to meet that new woman as I am to meet this sweet baby.
In the meantime, I'm hanging on, epic belly and all, and enjoying the wondering.
|yowzer. 38 weeks!|