When Farewell is Easy and Excruciating [Made 2014 Update]

I didn't expect this, when I woke up this morning.  Didn't expect to for my eyes to open to the new day, only to open all over again to certain, freeing truth.  To the needed, good, but excruciating thing my soul needed.

My soul, my soul, with its wings tethered for all these years to my sides with cords that cut and bite my flesh deep.  My soul, that I've tried to forget, to silence and bury, to form into a shape she was not made to hold.

I'd tried so hard for so long to be what everyone expected, wanted, needed me to be.  Everyone, that is, except my self.

But then 2014 dawned as my fearless year, my year of experimentation, of meeting this woman I am and yet am not, the woman that was almost lost but now (I hope) will imminently be found.  A person can not be both fearless and stifled at the same time.

And it has hurt, terribly, to try to be this person that I am not.  Perhaps I never was her, or maybe I was but have since outgrown her and my body longs to slough that old skin off like a snake.  It's time to let the dead and withered shell yield to the raw and vibrant skin beneath, skin that longs to kiss the sun.

In this morning's dark, I knew that it was time.  To full step into fearless, to chew through these last remaining threads on the cord that binds my wings.  

So I did.  And it was terrifying.  And excruciating.  And -- exhilarating.  So, so right, and needed.

The cord fell away like ash, and my wings groaned and creaked as they unfurled to uncertain freedom.  I am still learning to use them, but it feels delicious to finally have them spread wide and reaching toward the sky.

All this to say -- I am stepping away from the leadership of Made 2014 (yes, there is going to be a 2014 round of the seminal art + faith ecourse with all new content).  I'm handing the reins of this beautiful beast over to the one woman I know was made for the job, Anna K.  

Let me be clear.  I am not stepping away from Made for any other reason than because my soul needs space, to question and discover and fly into uncharted skies . . . and doing that while running a faith-based course just does not work well.  I felt like I had to hide who I was, and that was poisoning me, and poisoning Made.  It's better this way.

This was an easy decision . . . and an excruciating one.  Easy, because it was so needed, and because my soul felt so light in letting Made go.  But excruciating because Made is one of my babies, born from my soulful innards as surely as my two human children were.  I know that she's in good hands, but I'm going to miss her.

And who knows, perhaps I will be back at the helm for Made 2015 (if there will be a Made 2015 at all) . . . but I'm not too worried about that.  I've got atrophied wings that want to remember how to soar, and a heart that's fired up for the bruises and skinned knees that I'm sure I'll earn in the process, badges of a life well lived.  

And that's the thing, really.  I want to live.  Because I haven't been, not truly.  And I cannot stand it for one single second longer.  

Here's to limitless horizons and remembering who I am, and releasing Made to be who she was born to be, too.

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