Holy Ground

11 days old
I write this with the most precious boy in the world snuggled up in my arms. He giggles and gums in his sleep and I try to grab hold of this moment, his fleeting tiny-ness, knowing that it can't last, that it is already gone.

And I wonder -- how am I so blessed? To have him here, with us at long last, is pure treasure.

At first, I was afraid he would die, that he would slip away as quietly as his sister. I couldn't trust that he would breathe and keeping breathing if I stopped watching him and willing life.

But I've had to let that go. Or else I wouldn't sleep, and sleep is precious now because it helps me to love and care for him better. And really, it's not all that healthy to hold tight to fear, to draw it close. I don't want that for him, for me, for our family.

So I take a zillion photos to remind me if his now-ness later and let the rest go (or try to).

I love being this boy's mama. I love it more than I thought I would, or could. I love how he looks like his daddy, and how I catch glimpses of his sister in him. And I love how God is using the knowing of this little boy to grow me into a better version of myself, in spite of all sleep deprivation, just as He used the knowing and releasing of my daughter for the same sacred purpose.

This ground is holy.

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