Some Exhausted Meandering + New Art


Remember how I said that I've been feeling stretched?  It's changed -- now I'm feeling straight up worn out.  I've been utterly exhausted every. single. day. for the past week and a half.  I'm tired of being so tired.

At first I thought it was due to the excitement and stress of our mid-pregnancy ultrasound and the little gender revealing party I threw (I am not a natural hostess -- my introvert self likes going to parties, not throwing them).  So I allowed myself a few days of grace afterward to recuperate.

Only I didn't recuperate.

Now, a week after my grace period, I'm wondering what else has been leaving me feeling so depleted.

Of course, there's being pregnant.  Today is the seven month mark -- seven marks since my sweet girl died and was born.  That's bound to add a profound level of stress and, as a result, exhaustion.  This I understand.  What I don't understand is why the exhaustion is suddenly so much deeper, so long lasting.

There's my activity level to consider -- but really these days I'm not doing much more than walking.  I do my prenatal workout DVD once or twice a week if I'm lucky, and the rest of the time I walk, for no more than an hour and usually far less.  Yesterday I managed 20 minutes on the treadmill.  So I don't think it's that.

My food intake?  Normal, with a healthy level of indulgence (leftover penis cake?  yes, please).

My sleep?  I'm getting at least eight hours each night, and often more.

My growing belly?  I guess this could be a factor . . . Baby is measuring about a week ahead, but I don't know why that should affect much.  I'm only 23 weeks along, and while my belly is feeling quite large these days, it doesn't seem like I should be so devastatingly tired as a result.  Besides, I love feeling those baby kicks. 

Creative projects?  I haven't been doing as much art as my blogging might lead you to believe.  Basically, what I've shared is all that I've been doing, and I haven't worked on said art projects since last Thursday.  The same with my writing.

Other stress?  In therapy I've been working on some intense and deep-seated hurt from my growing up years, and I'll admit that it is definitely a heavy burden.  But a burden heavy enough to crush?  I am not so sure . . .

So what is up, body?  I'm getting frustrated enough that I'll be asking my doctor about it at our next appointment. 

I wasn't sure where this blog post was going when I started it, and now, at the end, I'm still not.  I suppose this is more of a ranty post than anything, and I don't know how to conclude.  So I'll leave you with some fun stuff, like . . .

 . . . new art available for sale . . .

Be Gentle


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. . . the release of my first-ever eBook, Life After Eating Disorder . . .

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. . . and my most precious work-in-progress . . .

22 weeks

Sharing this belly photo makes me so . . . happy.  (I type that word gingerly, as if to name it is to kill it.)  This photo, it puts the exhaustion in perspective.  Because all these discomforts, they're so worth it, aren't they, even the most severe ones?  And my current exhaustion, although profound, is bearable and certainly not severe.

As I write these words, I feel sweet baby kicks from within, and my memory is refreshed -- I would do anything for this boy.  I would have done anything for his sister.  I am so in love with our little family, as broken as it is.  I am their mama, and I will do what I must do.  I do it gladly. 

Thanks for reading this long and meandering post, friends.  Can you forgive me for its scattered nature?  For something more coherent, check out my June article for Still Standing Magazine, which went live yesterday.

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