Struggling to Surrender

something new.  #mixedmediaI have been struggling.

I was going to write about how I am struggling to make art, to be creative.  But although that's true, that's not the whole picture.

The truth?  I have been struggling, period.

It's hard to write about.  Because I so want to be that woman who effortlessly gives all her pain and anger and questions to God.

But that's not where I am right now, and I hate that I'm not.  Instead, I'm in that awful place where I want to hold onto every scrap of hurt and let it grow scar tissues over my heart in an effort to prevent any more pain from getting in.

Really, I don't want to do that.  But I am doing it. Even though I know that it won't work like I think it should.  I feel like I can't stop myself.

I know what part of the problem is -- I don't want to come before God, to admit that He is God and I am just me.  I don't want to give all that I am and all that I love into His hands, because something so precious has already been taken.

That's what it feels like right now -- like He took Eve.  Even though I know that He didn't kill her.  God is not in the business of death.  But still, He had the power to save her, and He let her die.

And now that I'm pregnant again, how do I live with that reality?  With the reality that there is nothing preventing this new little one growing within me and all of my future children from dying?

I don't want to pray Your will be done, Lord, because it's so risky.

There were some times during Eve's pregnancy that, when I was praying, I found myself thinking that I should be praying that kind of prayer over her, but couldn't.  Perhaps God was even leading me to pray that way.  But I just could not bring myself to say, "She's Yours, Lord, no matter what that means for her life or mine."  It was too scary.

And it still is.

How do I pray for this new baby, knowing what happened to my first?  But then there is how God took care of me (and still is, although I cannot feel it or see it) -- with love like that, how can I not give my life and my loves to Him with hands spread open and accepting?

Will you pray for me, friends?  That I will pry open my clenched fists and let Him have it all?  Because it's His anyway, whether I surrender it or not.  And I want to be the woman who surrenders to Love, always. 

I want to be the one who says yes and yes and yes to the adventure life that her Maker has mapped out, no matter the deserts He lets the path winds through. 

And please, I wonder -- am I alone in struggling in this way?

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