Faith Versus Fear

Baby's first photo I was planning on blogging about my first experiences as a renewed member of our local YMCA . . . until this morning's doctor's appointment.

I just had my basic prenatal testing done. This included the joy of a pap smear (ugh) as well as gonorrhea and chlamydia tests (which feels like getting three pap smears done in a row), a very complex urine sample, and getting six tubes of blood taken. Yikes.

But the worse part happened before all that (well, except for the urine sampling). The doctor decided she wanted to listen to the baby's heartbeat. And then couldn't find it.

As she searched, I tried to breathe deep and not panic. But of course I couldn't help but wonder – what if it's gone? What if the baby is dead? What if something awful happened and I didn't even know about it? I think that was the most terrifying thought – that something as drastic as a miscarriage had happened to me, and I didn't even realize it.

The doctor continued to search for a heartbeat. She told the nurse to prepare the ultrasound machine. I tried not to hold my breath, and I tried not to panic.

And then she smiled at me. “There it is,” she said, and there it was – our baby's heartbeat, healthy and safe. I smiled, too.

Here's what I think – God has a plan. Maybe His plan is for the Best Husband Ever and I to become the parents of a child, or many children. Maybe His plan is for us to miscarry. Maybe His plan is something entirely different that I can't even begin to imagine right now.

I believe that whatever happens, God is in it. Good or bad, we will get through it, and perhaps (or probably!) we will grow, learn, mature, live deeper. It won't be easy, I know – even now, I am still struggling not to cry at this morning's scare – but we will not be alone. We will not be enslaved to our loss, to despair.

I have faith. This baby is a miracle baby – after my eating disorder, we were told to expect never to have our own children. And yet here I am, pregnant. It's crazy. It's miraculous. It's a gift. And whatever happens, God is in it. God is here.

What are you recklessly believing right now, blog friends?

Long before he laid down the earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love.” ~ Ephesians 1:3-6

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