Back In the Flow

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Last March I quit my job as an elementary school family outreach coordinator.  I did so because of a Crohn's diagnosis, probably with some reactionary depression mixed in.  I now consider that decision to leave that beloved job the worst decision of my life.  Dealing with the emotional fallout from that decision -- the guilt, the sense of having betrayed my students and coworkers, the feeling that I had stepped out of God's plan for my life -- has been far more difficult and devastating than the effects of any disease I have encountered in my life so far.

But a few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to interview for a related and possibly even more awesome job -- working with teen girls in a group home.  I interviewed, then held my breath, crossed my fingers, and prayed while they ran the necessary background checks.  Today I got the news -- I am hired!  As for my reaction to that news -- well, I just let the photo at the top of this post do the talking.

It is not lost on me that, had I not quit my elementary school job, I would be seeking new employment right now anyway.  Not only is summer vacation fast approaching, but there was talk that the program I was hired through was ending at the end of this school year.  I'm not sure if that ever actually happened, but the fact remains that regardless of any of my decisions, I would still be looking for a job right now.

The fact that I was offered this job at this time makes me feel a sense of destiny.  Not so much an epic, Lord of the Rings-esque, save-the=word-or-die-trying destiny, but destiny in the sense of being in the flow of God's plan.  In the past fourteen months, I have felt [justly] abandoned by God, floundering in the deep oceans of life instead of traveling the current of His grace and His plans.

I don't feel that way now.

Of course I have to follow that up with a caveat -- just because I "feel" a certain thing to be true does mean it is true.  I've found that to be especially true in terms of faith.  And I also don't expect this job (or any other) to "save" me.  But I still feel the way I feel, and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.  I've missed floating on the tides of God.  It's been too long. 

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